Kirt Cameron's "Fireproof" - a film about love, marriage, and jerking it too much.

I was flipping through channels recently and stumbled upon this film. I figured since I had nothing better to do, I might as well watch it. Here's my review.

Spoilers

In Fireproof, Kirk Cameron plays local fireman Caleb Holt. His marriage is on the brink of collapse, mostly due to his own shelfishness. For instance, rather than helping out his wife's parents with their towering medical bills, Caleb chooses instead to save his pennies to buy something more tangible and rewarding: a fishing boat.

But that's not all. Caleb also whacks off to internet porn at a rate his wife finds completely unacceptable. To make matters worse, he doesn't even diddle in private, either. Caleb likes to jerk it while using the family desktop in the living room of the house he and his wife share. Just middle of the day, fully clothed, and right out in the open. The fucking mad man.

Despite his chronic masturbatory habits, however, Caleb remains baffled as to why his wife is being such a boner. You see, as a fireman, Caleb gets respect just about everywhere he goes. Yet he receives none from his shrill wife. You can sort of see where he's coming from. She eats the last bagel, doesn't save him any leftover pizza, fails to go grocery shopping, and leaves smelly candles burning in rooms she isn't even in. The cherry on top is that she won't eff Caleb so long as he continues to habitually low five himself to internet porn. Talk about a chicken-and-egg situation.

Eventually, things come to a head. Caleb and his wife have an ugly screaming match. This is fhe high point to an otherwise dull film. Kirk Cameron pulls off (heh) the chronic-masturbator-in-the-midst-of-a-hissy to perfection. I've never seen such range from him in any other performance. My guess is he either tapped into a bottomless abyss of resentment stemming from his lackluster post-Growing Pains career or he went full Daniel Day-Lewis in preparation for that scene. Probably a little of both.

Following the meltdown, Caleb's marriage looks to be on the outs. But then his dad gives him a book called "The Love Dare." Sadly, the title is misleading. I was hoping it would be a sort of modern Kama Sutra ("I dare you to stick the vegetable peeler in my butt"), but it's just not that kind of movie. Instead, it's a how-to guide for saving one's marriage with the judicious application of Christian life pro tips. I guess this guy has never heard of boxed wine.

So each day, Caleb follows the guidance of the book. He calls his wife and attempts to talk to her. He asks her how she is and if she needs him to pick up shit on his way home. He gets her "pitiful" flowers and stuff.

His wife sees through it, though. I guess perfunctory support and nearly dead tulips can only go so far towards helping your wife forget finding "interracial anal creampie ginger young HD" in the family PC's search history.

Anyway, that's where I stopped watching Fireproof. Sort of lost interest. Ironically, I decided spanking it to internet porn was a better use of my own time. I then queued up a video featuring a young lady having anal sex for the first time and appearing to not really enjoy it. Thematically, it seemed like an appropriate companion piece to Fireproof.

At the end of the day, I'd probably give the movie three stars (out of seventy). Not because I dislike all Christian movies, either. On the contrary, I thought Heaven Is Real was pretty good (except for that kid). And The Passion of the Christ was the date movie of 2004. Basically Fifty Shades of Grey, but sexier. And although the themes of selfishness and habitual self abuse are as timely and relevant to me as they are to most Redditors, my biggest issues with Fireproof is that it was excessively dull and preachy (even by Christian movie standards).

That having been said, there was one valuable lesson I took away from it: if you like Internet porn and boats, never get married.

Submitted November 21, 2017 at 03:32AM by _vargas_ http://ift.tt/2B8AY9G