Jupiter Ascending (2015) is incomprehensible nonsense. And a bit stupid.

Something between 175 and 210 million American dollaridos went into this. It barely made 184. I'm not quite sure what this is, other than incomprehensibly stupid.

All I know is that it made me want to watch The Matrix, because I have for some reason not done that yet.

Mila Kunis is our lead straight up named Jupiter Jones. Because her father was an astronomer with a telescope, that was her name. And Russians stole that telescope. She now lives in a big family and is to sell her eggs, casually like guys selling their sperm, to buy a telescope. Also, she cleans toilets for a living.

She's then saved from aliens by Channing Tatum with wolf ears and hover boots.

And she patches up a wound he has with a pad. As in the alternative to a tampon.

And then finds out she's space royalty because bees sense royalty. I'm not making this up.

And then she's off to space, I think near Jupiter, where she's to wed and learn/bore/snore through mumbo jumbo.

And the remainder of the movie is like this. Incomprehensible mumbo jumbo that will probably bore you into snoring.

Every character has a weird ass name you won’t remember.

Eddie Redmayne won an Oscar before this movie, and a Razzie for this movie. His dialogue is mostly ^whispered

and then he spontaneously

SCREAMS!!!

The best part is Michael Giacchino's music, but he always delivers the goods.

How the fuck did anyone approve this?

Submitted August 01, 2023 at 05:09AM by Comic_Book_Reader https://ift.tt/AJ53NKP