Every year I watch the crime spree of a movie, 'Jingle All the Way'. This year, I decided to enumerate these criminals misdemeanors and felonies, and dole out appropriate punishment.

In a day that has so much going on that it almost strains the imagination, both Arnold and Sinbad commit a flurry of crimes in their mad attempt to find a child's toy. The state of Minneapolis should not sit idly by as they let lawlessness run rampant. In fact, in many readings of criminal statutes, Sinbad is a domestic terrorist.

Here I will enumerate their many crimes and with careful reading of both Minnesota and federal statutes, find an appropriate punishment for them.

tl;dr - Arnold owes $8,350 that he'll owe after spending a year in jail.

Sinbad, however, has to pay $285,500 in fines, has a life sentence with no parole for his terrorism, and should spend an additional 18.5 years in jail on top of that. He's also lucky to not get the federal death penalty, but it's a children's movie after all, so we'll keep it PG.

Arnold's Crimes

Crime	Sentence
Driving on the shoulder	$300
Jay-walking	$100
Destruction of property (Turboman cardboard cutout at toy store)	$100
Chases/grabs kid - assault	$1000
Yells “I’m not a pervert” in a crowded mall.	Maybe not a crime but still. He gets a fine of public perception.
Attempts to buy stolen Turboman	$300 - statute says 3x value of doll
Assaults multiple Santa clauses	$1000 - besides the first Santa, he could argue self defense, so he is only given a single misdemeanor assault. Being provoked, this is unlikely to increase his assaults to a felony
Impersonating an officer	$1000
Drinking in public at a diner with no liquor permit	$250 and a ban from the diner
Assaults Sinbad in a phone booth	$1000
Breaks into radio station, along with destruction of property	6 months jail
Breaking an entering into neighbors house	6 months jail
Theft of neighbors turboman doll	$1000
Destruction of property	$1000
Animal abuse (reindeer punch)	$300
Rigs turboman giveaway to his son	$1000 fine and he better hope the feds don't get wind of it
Unlicensed/unpermitted use of jet pack, destruction of property	Unclear, onus more likely on providers of jetpack. He will likely be banned from any stunt unions, however.

Sinbad's Crimes

Crime	Sentence
Assaults woman outside toy store	$1000
Assaults Arnold at toy store	$1000
Drinking in public	$250
Tosses out mail as a postal worker	$250,000 and 5 years jail
Bomb threat at radio station	$10,000 and 5 years jail
Bomb threat towards police	$10,000 and 5 years jail
Evading arrest	Hard to find a specific charge if no one was harmed in the evasion, but seems to increase judges sentencing
Blows up a squad of cops/murder/terrorism	Life in prison with no parole. Potentially also the death penalty.
Assaults Turboman's nemesis to get his costume	6 months jail as we have been upgraded to felony assault with this pattern of behavior
Steals turboman nemesis costume (and eventually ruins it)	$1000 and the cost of the costume
Threatens a minor	$1000
Assaults Turboman	1 year jail, for an increasing pattern of assault
Assaults child	1 year jail
Assaults man in box costume	1 year jail
Child endangerment	$1000 fine and may lose his visitation to kids if his wife decides that she doesn't want to live with a serial felon
Steals turboman figure	$250 fine since it was returned

Submitted December 26, 2020 at 01:34AM by RankWeis https://ift.tt/3nQoWd8