I watched Jurassic World Dominion Extended Version so you don't have to. Here's my stream of consciousness

Any inaccuracies or issues with the following bullets are to be blamed on Chimay and/or awful Hollywood executives:

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• Militaries around the world would have shut this shit down in about 3 days.
• Owen is a…cowboy? What’s the dino version of a cowboy? Is this movie wanting to be a western?
• I don’t care if that dinosaur is a herbivore, it would have stomped Owen into the ground after he wrapped a noose around its god damned neck.
• We’re 12 minutes in and Owen is already doing the Jurassic Force gesture thing. In fairness, that’s like 10 minutes and 30 seconds longer than I thought they’d last.
• This CGI is stupid.
• Why did the T-Rex 65 million years ago have feathers but the one now doesnt? Frog DNA cause the lack of feathers? I probably missed something about this when I fell asleep during Fallen Kingdom.
• $500,000 for a dinosaur? That’s two movies in a row where they’ve gotten the market value of a dinosaur hilariously wrong.
• How long until the clone girl tells Bryce Dallas Chastain that she's not her mother?
• Jurassic locusts are apparently a thing.
• Laura dern remaking Sam Neill’s “pulling off the sunglasses awkwardly” was pandering. I would've loved it if she wasn’t looking at….dead grass.
• Laura, Sam, and Jeff deserved better. But then again, they read the script and signed on, so maybe not?
• Random thought: Part of the beauty of the original was the escapism/isolationism from the real world. This movie missed this. Stop putting dinosaurs here and go back to putting humans there. Jurassic World is a fucking masterpiece next to this.
  • It’s kind of like Alien - part of what makes it compelling (to me anyway) is that sense of dread that the monster is lurking around every corner. You set it in the “real world” and that goes away. We go from Alien in JP1 to World War Z in JW:D.
• “Grant, you’re gonna want to see this” is more pandering, and now it’s becoming exhausting.
• This CGI is stupid.
• Ellie’s single. God damnit, we don’t need Jurassic Romance. Don’t. Do. This.
• Why am I watching the extended version of this? That’s like asking a dentist to drill deeper on a root canal.
• Owen hand gesture #2.
• Clone Girl - “You cant keep me here, you’re not my mother!” Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
• Owen is once again talking in English to a prehistoric killing machine. “I am going to get him back, I promise you that”. Steven Speilberg is rolling over in….uh nevermind.
• Oh cool, heavyset computer guy in a tie. Just waiting for him to program something to say “Nuh, uh, uh!”
• This CGI is stupid.
• Oh hey cool it’s the main character from Archive 81. I can’t wait for season 2 on Netflix!
  • Fuck.
• “It took fish and wildlife 3 years to catch the t-rex”. Meanwhile we shot one with a tranq and caught it like 27 years ago with one shot. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
• Does the military just like…not exist in this universe anymore?
• DODGSON, ITS DODGSON! SEE, NOBODY CARES! Btw, Why isn’t Cameron Thor playing him again?
  • Oh.
• “He slid into my DMs” Are you god damn fucking kidding me? Ellie Fucking Sattler would never say some ridiculous shit like that.
• I hope a dinosaur eats this barista.
• Thank god Sam Neill hasn’t said or done anything stupid so far. Keep it up, Sam!
• Henry, can you just not fuck up one time please? I mean that cardigan is a big enough crime.
• Look, I don’t know what a baby dinosaur is supposed to look like, but these things look like ALF. I don’t know if that’s historically accurate, but I don’t know enough to dispute it either.
• I have literally no fucking idea what’s happening in this movie. Claire is at a black market dino fight? What kind of shit were the writers on?
• I think Chris Pratt is a decently funny guy - why do they have him play this role so seriously? Say what you want about the guy, but he’s the only comedic actor in the core cast of these Jurassic World movies and you don’t even try to make him remotely funny? Just him being a bit more lighthearted in the role alone would raise the quality of the movie, albeit slightly.
• Let’s see how many bad guys we can introduce in this convoluted mess of a movie.
• Oh, all you need is a laser pointer to get raptors to attack your enemies? College professors now the most powerful beings on the planet.
• That was the lamest torture scene ever. The woman didn’t even act like the electrical shock hurt her.
  • And they’re now friends/allies like two seconds later? The fuck?
• Bryce Jessica Chastain’s stunt double looks NOTHING like her and it’s distracting as fuck.
• I really don’t understand what I’m doing with my life.
• Hey, let’s not let the far more experienced raptor trainer do the dive roll. Let’s let the guy who “never got the timing right” do it while Chris Pratt pushes a red button. The fuck.
• I’m sure when Michael Crichton invented this universe he thought, “it will take some buildup, but eventually we’ll get to the point where we can include high speed chases between dirt bikes and raptors.” Glad to see his legacy finally coming to fruition.
• “Pull over” “That’s not how planes work”. Have we hit “so bad it’s good” levels?
  • No, no we haven’t.
• You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a raptor ride a dirt bike out of a moving plane.
• “Are you hurt?” “Yeah. Yeah, yeah I am”. “You are? WHERE?!?” “Nowhere, I’m ok.” What in the actual fuck is this writing?
• Where does this rank among “biggest squandering of a cast ever”? It feels…up there. We’re not at Gangster Squad or Monuments Men level, but there’s some well respected actors here and it is just….something else.
• This CGI is stupid.
• The locusts are loose. I just need Nic Cage in this movie yelling “NOT THE BEES!”
• God damn fucking Ellie and Allen romance shit. Stop it.
• Tim Cook Dodgson is the most boring villain in movie history.
• I am at least somewhat pleased that they didn’t do the Will-They-Or-Wont-They thing with Claire and Owen in this movie. I hate them both, and I’m glad they will be miserable together for a very long time.
• Oh I really appreciate the throwback to JPIII when they’re stuck in the tree. Im so fucking nostalgic for JPIII of all things. Fuck whoever made this movie.
• That dinosaur just bitch slapped that other animal. That was admittedly funny. I laughed harder at that than I’ve laughed at Chris Pratt in 3 movies.
• Please kill Claire, please kill Claire
  • Oh apparently water is a force field. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
• I'm with the teenager - stay in the bulletproof tube. I mean, I’m not one to argue with Alan Fucking Grant, but I have my concerns.
• Tim Cook firing Jeff Goldblum wasn’t on my bingo card for today, but here we are.
• Dodgson’s original actor from JP1 is apparently a colossal piece of shit, but why did they make this guy be that character? Just write in a new villain. I don’t get this.
• “You rapacious rat bastard” - at least Goldblum got one good line off in this shitshow.
• Look, I get that people “ship” Alan and Ellie. But I always enjoyed that they just admired one another and it just never happened. This storyline sucks. Maybe I’m just a grumpy old man, though.
• “We don't apologize for our mistakes, we erase them.” OH LOOK WHAT A BIG MEAN VILLAIN MAN I AM. Fuck everything.
• It’s the Descent, dino style!
• GET THE HAT! I actually agreed with this decision.
• So, the dinosaur isn’t going to attack them, he’s just going to push a cart at them…menacingly.
• Maybe if we play the JP theme, yall wont hate this movie. No, no, we still do.
• More pandering with the Dilophosaurus, and Chris Pratt (after choking a bitch) says “go on GIT!”, and this vicious prehistoric killing machine…runs away?
• This CGI is stupid.
• HEY EVERYONE A VEHICLE IS LOCATED PRECARIOUSLY ON THE EDGE OF A PRECIPICE, DOESN'T THIS MAKE YOU REMEMBER THE ORIGINAL MOVIE FONDLY?
  • Fuck everything.
• Let’s play the JP theme song again so you all won’t hate this shit sandwich.
• DeWanda Wise has beautiful eyes. One positive in this movie.
• More JP1 pandering with the jeep nudging by Gigantobrontoplesioraptorsausaurus. This movie is like The Force Awakens’ cousin who was injured in a boating accident.
• Ellie Sattler, 54 year old long jump champion.
• Jessica Chastain just tased that bitch in the eye! I’m sure those 200 amps really hurt that 20 ton dinosaur!
• Tim Cook is big mad.
• Jeff Goldblum buttoning his top button is hilarious (and probably disappointing for many viewers) and he’s been severely underutilized in this movie.
• I really want Ramsey, Tim Cook Shitty Dodgson~~,~~ and the barista from earlier to get eaten by Blue.
• “You made a promise….to a dinosaur?” Thank you Jeff Goldblum for at least giving me something to unironically laugh at in this shitheap.
• Oh God Damnit, now Clone Girl is doing the Jurassic Force thing.
• Ok now Alan is doing it. I am surprised (and extraordinarily disappointed) Sam Neill didn’t tell the writers to go fuck themselves.
• Seeing Jessica Howard and Laura Dern fight off some dinos was ok, in the grand scheme of things.
• DODGSON! DODGSON! SEE EVERYONE ITS DODGSON! HE’S DEAD! No one cares.
• Thank god Goldblum is here to keep this from literally being the worst movie I’ve ever seen. “See….every….ugh!” I love this man.
• I don’t think that’s how helicopters work, but I don’t know enough to dispute it.
• If Maisie dies, just make another clone - what’s the big deal?
• Look at how they did my boy T-Rex.
  • Oh, well nevermind.
• For fucks sake with the Ellie and Alan thing.
• Oh thank god Henry finally got his comeuppance for almost destroying life as we know it….oh wait.
• This CGI is stupid.
• “The animals will live there free, safe from the outside world.” Sure, what could go wrong!
• They’re setting up Clone Girl to lead the next trilogy. Fuck.
• “Oh hey, there’s a deadly raptor whose kid I just had in my jeep. Let me smile at it for a minute.”
• I should’ve watched Gigli.

Submitted September 22, 2022 at 10:00AM by GolfingGator https://ift.tt/Kh1nHe0